Wednesday 26 July 2017

The Science of Kink

Kinky Greetings! This is Kalyss Mercury- Pro-Domme, BDSM educator & kink researcher. I've been working as a Dominatrix for over 15 years now. Years ago, I noticed how many of my clients had strong emotional reactions during discipline sessions. Many times, they were surprised at how the interaction within the session reduced their stress levels and to a certain extent “reset” them to a more stable mood. My curiosity took off and I consulted my kink library for answers. There were plenty of descriptions of the effects I’d noticed, and a few theories explaining them, but the books I had did not go into the scientific testing of these effects and very few cited actual studies cataloguing BDSM activity. A few weeks of research later and I realised there was very little actual research on the psychological effects of BDSM, at least in what was freely available online. Yes, there were some isolated studies here and there. But they mostly focused on describing the population, as for instance, in terms of their mental stability (many good results for us, but that’s another story). According to the Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex (1990), kinksters make up between 5 and 10% of the United States population, a number that could be an underestimation, due to fears of disclosure. Meanwhile, although statistics vary widely between countries and worldwide cities, homosexuality ranges between 5% and 15% of the population. Yet although population percentages are similar, there is about twice as much research being done on homosexuality than on kinky sex. Why is that?

The numerous campaigns promoting homosexual and queer community equality, (including Pride celebrations around the globe and the more recent marriage equality polemic), have raised awareness for gay rights. As an effect, many academics have taken up research within this community and now there is a lot more data concerning important queer issues, such as youth gay suicide. Research results help create systems to address these issues, and counselors, psychologists and other support networks become more aware and better equipped to help members of the community during troubled times. We are still working towards a more transparent psychological support system, but at least we are moving away from the "anti homosexuality treatments” of the 1950's (as described by Smith, Bartlett, & King BMJ, doi:10.1136/bmj.37984.442419.EE, 2004),

For a majority of kinksters, BDSM is mostly a private interaction, so kink activism is not as vigorous as our flamboyantly fabulous gay pride campaigns. Yet, being a kinkster can also have severe effects on one's life outside the bedroom. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has campaigned for years to remove psychological diagnoses for consensual kink activities finally with success in 2012 ( Surprisingly, some countries (e.g. United Kingdom) still uphold archaic laws which categorize SM as grievous bodily harm if marks are lasting, even if performed between consenting adults (Check the Spanner Trust for more detailed information: Although there has been a reduction in convictions against kinksters, as for instance in child custody cases, members of the kink community are still subject to prejudice, bullying and stigma simply because of their bedroom proclivities. Although the media loves the fetish style, the taboo is still there. Interestingly, how come thousands of BDSM fiction stories have not “made it” to a mass market, while 50 Shades of Grey, with all its typos and bad grammar went on to sell millions of copies? 50 Shades portrayed BDSM as something that was “cured by love”, implying that BDSM is still widely accepted as a form of “sickness” with the between the lines message: “If you really love someone, you won’t do that to them.” So, while fetish and kink may be more visible and polemic in popular media, for the general population, including the academic world, BDSM acts are still connected to ideas of trauma, disease and dysfunction. This negative stigma is harmful for kinksters as it assumes that we are damaged individuals, and therefor, we must change this perspective!

BDSM needs more activism! But I know plenty of kinky folk that have no interest in taking to the streets to fight for our rights. They may only do kinky activities occasionally, or it is threatening for them to disclose their orientation in public. However, one effective way to do BDSM activism without the need for individuals to come of of the closet is kink research! I have been a kink crusader for years now, so the logical step was to join my curiosity with my academic past, and engage in some kink research myself. My passion for this mission is the strongest ally through the challenge of exploring kink issues within a scientific framework. Because the taboo is still there, I've run into trouble repeatedly in the last year, firstly for finding advisors (many of the professors quickly lost interest in chatting with me once I shared what my thesis topic was about) then for getting ethical approval (my proposals were repeatedly turned down due to my target population –kinksters- being “at risk” and “potentially unstable”). Still, all the work was worthwhile, because now I can reach out to the community so YOU can share YOUR views on BDSM & pain in a completely safe and anonymous way. My current research focuses on whether SM has any beneficial/therapeutic effects and how participants cope with pain within an SM context (and within everyday painful activities). And as part of my master’s thesis, I am collecting views from the kink community through an online survey. (Survey is now closed)

The survey is anonymous and we don't even collect IP addresses in order to protect people's privacy. It takes about 20-30 mins to complete depending on the answer choices.

Not Kinky? Not really into pain? New to the scene? No problem! The survey also collects data on everyday pain activities, as it's important to have a comparative control group in the sample.

And even if you don't recognise these effects or agree with my hypothesis, that's even more reason to participate in the survey. We want the survey to reflect all the opinions from the community. If only my fans do the survey, it will create a biased effect.

The more different people participate, the better the sample will represent of our diverse alternative community!

Thank you for helping advance The Science of Kink!

Hugs & Spanks!

M.K. Mercury

Ps: You can keep up with my research findings by liking the FB page

The Science of Kink project is an initiative to spread the word about past and current research about BDSM & fetish practices. The scientific community is becoming ever more open minded towards studying the kink community and many interesting results are showing up. Knowledge is power, and sharing is caring. Further, the SoK project also reaches out to kinksters to promote participation in ongoing research, most recently for The Benefits of Pain Survey.

 *Article originally published on and at

Wednesday 12 July 2017

TOP 10 Rules for your 1st contact with a Mistress

1. Use a formal, polite and subservient tone.

If you haven't met Mistress, you won't know her style. She might be friendly and casual or strict and unforgiving. By using a formal tone you cover all bases. Most mistresses like to be treated like queens. Do you want her to feel strong and powerful when she reads your message? Then show your humility, politeness and submission with your words. It will start the interaction on the right foot.

2. Avoid profanity

Would you say the “F” word to your doctor or in a business meeting or even better, if you met one of the royals? Of course not. Use the same attitude here. Mistress may eventually do very naughty things to you in the dungeon, but the first contact should be like a first date. Be on your best behaviour.

3. Be concise:  Get to the point.

Because there are always more sub males than femme dommes, mistresses often receive loads of emails from prospective subs. This means we're busy, so don't waste our time with the story of your life in the first email you ever send.  Why are you contacting Mistress? Do you want a session? Do you wish to do domestic servitude? Or are you just offering adoring compliments? Whatever the case, be brief. Say What you want using a small amount of words while still being polite and humble of course!

4. Be precise and inclusive.

While it's good to keep your first message rather short (Max. 10-15 sentences) omitting important information will only mean Mistress needs to reply with more questions. That takes time and will delay your interaction. A few tips on what you should ALWAYS include in a first message to Mistress. A) Your name. How will Mistress set you apart from a 1000 other slaves? Do you think she'll remember your email address? Find a catchy way to call yourself. No need to use your real name but "naughty boy" is too vague. B) Your location or Where you'll travel. Many mistresses travel a lot, so don't assume she's currently where her ad says she's from. C) Your fetish interests. Write a basic short list of what you like or think you might like (if you're still new to this). D) Your request. What do you want? Explain it briefly.

 Do you want Mistress to smile when she reads your message? Then follow the RULES!

Do you want Mistress to smile when she reads
your message? Then follow the RULES!
5. Don't be manipulative.

In your fantasies, you may like to act like a brat or naughty slave. Or you may enjoy being humiliated and insulted. But these attitudes should be saved for the dungeon only. Acting up or being "annoying" in the hope that Mistress will get angry and humiliate you via email is manipulation. Experienced dommes can recognise this ruse from miles away. Yes she might get annoyed, but that will probably backfire in her ignoring your message or worse: labelling you as a "time waster" and telling all her domme friends to blacklist you too.

6. A photo of your penis says "I'm a dick".

As much as most males have a fascination with female nudity, the opposite is not true. Most women don't want to see your manhood before getting to know you. A Mistress will rarely care what your appendage looks like. Even if your fantasy is "small cock humiliation" it still doesn't matter. Your private parts should be kept private until Mistress asks to see them (that goes for your butt as well).

7) DO your homework.

Before asking Mistress a hundred questions, read her website and blogs. If you want a session, check her fetish interests. Your answer may already be there and this will again streamline your contact with Her. Also, some mistresses spend a lot of time writing so showing that you've the spent time to read what she's all about is also a sign of respect and that your intentions are more than just seeking attention.

8) Avoid ping pong messages.

After reading Mistress's profile, website and blogs, you may still have questions. That is fine, but put all your questions in one message. Back and forth one liner messaging is so annoying.

9) Language, grammar, punctuation & spelling.

Google Translate is a fabulous tool: USE IT!

Most email programs have a spell check. USE IT!

If you did your homework, you will know what language Mistress likes to use for contact. For example, I speak English, Portuguese, French and Spanish, but my preferred language for contact is English. You should be working hard to contact me, not the other way around.

Even better, if grammar is not your strength, write your message on a word document so it can catch your run on sentences and confusing grammar. If a Mistress has to decode your message because you have poor language skills, she may see that as a sign of your laziness. Also, poor use of grammar means it will be harder for her to understand what you want. If your message is too much effort, Mistress might ignore you.

10) Express yourself.

Even with all these rules, there's still space to be yourself. Mistresses like subservient, polite and well spoken subs, but we don't want robots (well, maybe for a sci-fi scene yes, but not all the time!). So find a way to show a bit of your personality. What's special about you? No need to write your life story, but a little bit can go a long way! Be Creative!

To guide you, here is one example of a bad message and How to fix it. If I have the time, I will add other bad messages on the comments and how to improve them.


Hey babe/sexy/honey Can we chat sometime? Ur so hot! Your pics make me hard can i be your slave?


Dear Mistress,

I'm very impressed with your photos and profile. You are so stunning and dominant. I live in [city, country]. Do you ever visit here? I'm interested in [fetish list] and  would love to serve as your slave. It would be an honor to talk with you further. What is the most convenient time for you, Goddess?

Patiently awaiting your instructions,

slave ”paddywack” from London

Originally published at:

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